Welcome To California! Oh No She Di'ant!

"HOWWWWLLLL, HOWL HOWL HOWL!" I looked at the clock to find that was 6:30 am. It was the first morning waking up in the rental house we moved into the day before. All of the cupboards and closets were full of items that my loving family had diligently unpacked. Knowing well enough that I was not taking the move across country well at all they unpacked EVERYTHING!!

"Howwl Howwl!" I jumped out of bed to meet the hound who was outside in her new concrete jungle of a backyard. The patio is without an inch of green grass and has replaced the rabbit, raccoon and chicken smells that used to stimulate her hound nostrils back at our 20 acres we call Hollywood Farm. At the farm the morning howls are welcomed detouring all prowling coyotes and foxes who prevalently hunt chickens in the morning hours. Now this young hound has the pleasure of howling at little 'pisser' dogs that are walk passed our home at the crack of dawn.

"Howwwl". I started running towards one of the four child safety locked doors that were protecting my children from drowning in the pool. Finally I reached the hound and started to comfort her.

"Oh puppy girl your bark really echos under this carport now doesn't it?" I began to rub her belly and filled her water and food dish.

"Now where is that other hound?" I asked myself. (Abbey the Tree Walker Coon Hound whom we rescued back in Indiana, is just over a year and full of energy. You can go here to read more about her rescue http://hollywoodfarmfilms.blogspot.com/2009/06/my-god-what-have-i-done.html

Rounder the older male hound, was rescued 2 years earlier and was happy to be in the back yard closer to the family. To him it was better than being secluded in the back barn area at the farm. At this moment He was nowhere to be found. I left Abbey outside to find him and prayed that he had not escaped. When I left, of course the hound started howling again. I arrived shortly with the other dog and the two were then happy as clams, and CLAMMED UP!

I proceeded to go into the house and begin to prepare breakfast for my Littles who had just awaken in their new and oddly strange surroundings. My family was amazing by unpacking EVERYTHING the day before. They know me well enough to know that I was genuinely sad enough to potentially keep everything packed until our return to the farm next summer. There wasn't one thing left to unpack, kids clothes were hanging in the closet, dishes in the cupboard, towels in the linen closet.

"You can just get on with your life now Karen. No need to worry about unpacking." It was the sweetest gesture and I will always be grateful to them for knowing me so well. That night before I went to bed and all of our belongings were safely put away, I have to admit that it was kind of starting to feel a little like home.......until!

Shortly after I put the dogs together, Rounder and Abbey began to viciously bark. Now back at the farm, I had NEVER EVER heard them bark so viciously. "What the hell are they barking at? Or should I say attacking?" Something was going on outside of the house and the, 'I better get ready to defend and protect my family' gene kicked in. I ran to the front window to see what the fuss was all about. Walking in front of the house was a man, or was it a woman? Or Spacoli? I couldn't tell what gender this person was as, 'It' was angrily walking past my house. Angry enough to have had such an effect on my dogs.

"Hmm, I wonder if this is another one of those anxiety riddled mothers who frantically walk the neighborhood shedding

the stress of another day of parenting in the city?" I was thinking as I kept looking out the front window to see where in fact this , 'It' was headed off to so vigorously.

The 'It' ended up being a woman, and SHE was storming straight towards my house! I opened the door to greet her, as I was well aware that a dog complaint was about to occur. I thought for a moment that she would understand once she hears we've just arrived and would have these mutts on a schedule soon enough. She would surely be understanding after realizing that these poor dogs were used to running wild on the farm and we ALL were going to have to get used to living in an earthquake-crack infested neighborhood where the humming of the 101 freeway acts as MUSAK in the background.

It, she, BITCH FACE, didn't understand at all. In fact she didn't give me one second to try to explain all of the above reasons mentioned in my sweet friendly soft voice. As soon as I opened the door, Bitch Face started verbally attacking me in front of my kids.

OH NO SHE DI'ANT!!!!

There was no way I was going to allow this to happen. NOT IN FRONT OF MY KIDS. The rest of the story I'll kindly write in script form to detach myself emotionally.

Dogs barking viciously while BITCH FACE storms onto the property. RENTER opens the door with an inviting smile.

BITCH FACE

(screaming at top of her lungs over vicious barking dogs)

It's 6:30 in the morning, shut those &*#%@ DOGS UP!

RENTER

So sorry we jus......

BITCH FACE

I DON'T $&*# CARE! YOUR DOGS.........

(INAUDIBLE SCREAMING ANGRY NOISES)

The sweetness that usually exudes from RENTER'S voice box was no longer sweet.

RENTER

ARE YOU %#@&! KIDDING ME?

I"M DOING THE BEST I CAN.

RENTER could feel her evil eye begin to protrude.

She was afraid that her instinctual compulsion to POUND THIS LADY'S FACE IN would kick in. RENTERS Littles were quiet in the house behind the cereal she had just poured for them before BITCH FACE made her rude morning visit.

BITCH FACE

(Still inaudible angry noises)

YOU BETTER TAKE CARE OF THOSE DOGS....OR.....

RENTER

OR WHAT??? I'M DOING THE BEST I CAN!

I'M DOING THE BEST THAT I CAN!

BITCH FACE

YOUR DOGS HAVE BEEN BARKING

ALL WEEK!!!!

RENTER

I JUST GOT OFF A PLANE 24 HOURS AGO!!

RENTER takes a step closer to Bitch Face who had been standing about 8 feet away. RENTER is holding her bathrobe closed and screaming bloody murder over Spacoli's enraged mutters.

RENTER

WHERE THE %#@*# DO YOU LIVE?

SO I CAN COME SCREAM IN YOUR

FACE IN FRONT OF YOUR CHILDREN ?

BITCH FACE

(Shrilling screams combined with words)

I LIVE RIGHT THERE!!!!

(Points to the house next door)

RENTER

GREAT TO KNOW!

I'VE GOT 3 KIDS 2 DOGS,

GET USED TO IT OR CALL THE COPS!

RENTER turns and enters the house.

RENTER

THANKS FOR THE #$%&! WELCOME

TO THE NEIGHBORHOOD!!

SLAM!!!!

INT. RENTERS HOME MORN

Two little girls are smiling wickedly at their mother who is panting. The smiles and giggles during such a tumultuous moment most definitely stemmed from the joy of not being on the recieving end of those screams. Mother/RENTER goes outdoors to call the dogs into the laundry room where they sit quietly. Mother/ RENTER storms into the kitchen still outraged that this "IT" had the audacity to create such and unpleasant memory for her children's first morning in an awkward setting.

SEVEN YEAR OLD

(Still smiling) Mommy who were you yelling at?

Mother's /RENTER'S heart beats out of her chest. She opens the back door adjoining the kitchen, and neighbors bedroom window and opens the kitchen window, (a window that also is in ear shot of, "IT"S" bedroom window.)

RENTER

(Still yelling)

Do you want to know who mommy is yelling at honey?

AN EXTREMELY RUDE PERSON WHO NO LONGER

HAS TO HEAR DOGS BARKING BUT WILL PROCEED

TO HAVE TO DEAL WITH MY BARKING!!!

Mother/RENTER proceeds to bang pots and pans in a frenzied tyrant shouting at the top of her lungs.

RENTER

IF SOMEBODY COMES TO OUR HOUSE AND STARTS

YELLING IN MY FACE, MOMMY IS GOING TO PROTECT

AND DEFEND MY FAMILY. SORRY HONEY THAT'S

THE LAST TIME THAT LADY WILL EVER COME TO OUR

HOUSE TO TRY AND YELL AT MOMMY!

(slams pots and pans into basin, picks them up and slams

them again. X 4 )

IF SHE HAS SOMETHING TO SAY TO ME SHE SHOULD

PUT A NOTE IN THE MAILBOX. AS LONG AS WE LIVE

HERE SHE WILL NEVER COME ON THIS PROPERTY AGAIN.

IT'S NOT OK TO GO TO A NEIGHBORS HOUSE SCREAMING

AT THEM. IT'S NOT FAIR TO YOU MY (slams back door) SWEET LITTLE CHILDREN, IT'S NOT FAIR TO ANYONE!! MOMMY WILL ALWAYS PROTECT YOU!! (slam, crash, bang)

CUT TO:

EXT: RENTER HOME: HIGH NOON

RENTER is standing on the wall that adjoins her new back yard and the chain linked fence belonging to BITCH FACE. RENTER is holding up a bamboo curtain and banging large metal staples into the side of the awning with a hammer. She sings pleasantly between each BANG of the hammer.

RENTER

(singing 80's r&b ballad)

` It's a mistaaaaake....oh it's a mistake...(BANG BANG BANG)

It's a mistaaaaaake....ooohh (BANG BANG BANG)

It's a mistaaaaaaake!!!

(BANG, BANG, BANG)

It's a mistake.

Not a good idea to provoke a protective already disgruntled Italian mother with a short fuse.

Not a good idea at all!

Back to reality writing.

I'm not proud of my behavior in front of my kids, and thank God they were laughing and not cowering under the breakfast table. They are actually taking the move waaaaay better than I am. So this is how the tail end of the move across country unfolded, and yes I'm still holding on to a little resentment and bitterness for having to leave heaven behind. It's a combination of my missing the farm, and the friendly welcoming people in Greenfield. I wasn't expecting a hero's welcome to LA. Absolutely not!

On the other hand, I certainly wasn't expecting to have to defend my family while screaming at the top of my lungs while standing in a bright pink bathrobe and bed head ON THE FIRST DAMN MORNING either.