Hollywood Farm Attack Of The Raccoon Take 1

The time is 11 A.M, the temperature outside is a mere 40 degrees on Hollywood Farm.

ATTRACTIVE WIFE is baking a practice run of Christmas Eve dinner in  the kitchen of a 100 year old farm house. The kitchen counter is cluttered with fresh vegetables and baking tools. ATTRACTIVE EMPATHETIC HUSBAND enters the back sun-porch that joins the kitchen.

ATTRACTIVE EMPATHIC

 HUSBAND

Honey do you have anything I can feed this dying raccoon

 we just saw a mile away at the old bridge down the road?

DISTRACTED ATTRACTIVE WIFE

What? Raccoon? What are you thinking? 

ATTRACTED EMPATHETIC HUSBAND 

So you expect me to keep driving by it all day

 and try to forget it's dying in the street?

DISTRACTED ATTRACTIVE WIFE

Yes! If you feed it don't you think it will come and try to get to

 my chickens? Isn't it time to take our son to school?

She continues to pour yeast into  a mixing bowl. Empathetic husband starts to rummage through the fridge.

       

EMPATHETIC ATTRACTIVE

 HUSBAND

What about this pot roast? The kids wont eat these potatoes.

ATTRACTIVE WIFE

Seriously? It's a raccoon......raccoons eat chickens. We have 8 hens.

Case closed.

The DISTRACTED ATTRACTIVE WIFE continues reading the recipe for simple baked bread, something she has never done before and at the moment was not appreciating being distracted while accidentally adding too much yeast to the recipe. Attractive husband is still milling around in the kitchen hovering over the left over roasting pan that is still holding last nights roasted potatoes and carrots.  He leans in for a kiss and a squeeze.

EMPATHETIC ATTRACTIVE HUSBAND

OK, I'M going to take the boy to school, see you soon.

Distracted wife does not notice the missing roasting pan, and continues to knead the dough. Luckily she had set aside the remaining roast beef that she was planning on baking inside the bread. She puts the dough aside and sits at her computer to work on her blog. 

About 30 minutes later,  'baying' sounds that come from her hound dog can be heard from the front of the house. The hound barks when someone drives on the property, (their own personal doorbell some might say), but the 'baying' usually occurs when there is a critter around. no longer distracted the ATTRACTIVE WIFE gets up from her computer to see what the fuss is all about. 

 Upon arriving at the front porch to her dismay, she sees her ATTRACTIVE EMPATHETIC HUSBAND holding a 15 foot tree branch, trying to dissuade the vicious raccoon that had found it's way from the bridge a mile away, passed the electric fence and onto their front porch where it had currently puffed out the size of a bear cub and was attacking BOTH HOUND DOGS!! She screams, and flees to her head phones as she does not want to hear the sounds that are currently coming from her front porch! 

30 minutes later. 

EMPATHETIC ATTRACTIVE HUSBAND comes in the house with the  empty roasting pan.

          EMPATHETIC ATTRACTIVE HUSBAND

       Well the chickens are safe!

FIRED UP ATTRACTIVE WIFE

       Please get rid of it before the kids get off the bus.

EMPATHETIC ATTRACTIVE 

HUSBAND

       Well I think the dogs are going to take care of it....look!

She looks out the back window and sees the hound dog dragging what looks like a stuffed raccoon around the back yard as if it were a REAL STUFFED RACCOON. She drops it at the foot of the back porch and proceeds to play with the other hound!! ATTRACTIVE WIFE proceeds with her baking and only glances out the back once to see her EMPATHETIC ATTRACTIVE HUSBAND walking towards the back woods with the raccoon laying upon a shovel. The same shovel he was told by his mother to whack over the head of the raccoon, just in case it wasn't dead!  

The sun sets and rises again. ATTRACTIVE HUSBAND has yet another business trip and flees for the airport mid-day. 

LATER THAT DAY

Three small children play in the back yard of their 20 acres farm. Their MOTHER aka ATTRACTIVE WIFE is at the burn hearth that she built with no help from a man at all, and is burning the days paper products. Her Middle LITTLE starts screaming from the back fence!! 

MIDDLE LITTLE

    A RACCOON! A RACCOON! I SEE ONE SLEEPING IN THE BACK!!

Biggest Little and Littlest Little start running towards the back fence that separates the farm house property to the back property. MOTHER panic and screams for the children to get into the house!

Once in the house, BIGGEST LITTLE says.

BIGGEST LITTLE

    Mom, why is the raccoon sleeping in the field? 

Don't they usually sleep in trees?

MOM

    Honey I don't think it was sleeping. 

The dogs must have been trying to  save our chickens.

BIGGEST LITTLE

    Oh it was sleeping alright I could hear him snoring

 and his belly was going up and down!

After cringing and gagging and fighting off the goosebumps that were currently crawling up her spine, the MOTHER tells her children to go in the play room to watch their favorite show which would surely keep their attention focused on anything other than the fact that their MOTHER would have to go in the back with a shovel and finish the job that the man of the house could not do!

She couldn't do it either! PETA don't hate us for not baring arms!

To read the EMPATHETIC ATTRACTIVE HUSBANDS take on the visit from raccoon that day visit the post titled.

Tiger, The Wolf Man, And The Raccoon. 

We may live in the country....doesn't mean we ARE country! Thank God for animal control!!